Italy, 2024
Two members of Alcoholics Anonymous share their experiences with Step Eight, the process of listing those they have harmed and becoming willing to make amends. From methodical inventories to confronting deep-seated shame, their stories reveal how this step can bring clarity, humility, and peace. In different ways, both found that willingness—not outcome—is the key to freedom.
Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
I have found Step Eight to be a spiritual and moral exercise in clarity, honesty and willingness.
I began by going back through the people on my Fourth Step inventory, and those from a previous Step Eight to whom I had not yet made full amends. Then I looked through all my Facebook friends and my entire phone contact list, noting down any name that brought up awkward feelings. It was an extensive list, but I knew I needed to be painstaking.
I worked through the list one person at a time, heeding the sage advice: don’t begin with your mother. For each person, I used a simple method outlined by my sponsor:
Action—exactly what I did or said, as factually as I could, without moralizing.
Instead—what I believed I should have done.
Harm—who suffered, and in what way.
As I progressed, I shared each completed one with trusted fellows and then my sponsor. This process turned out to be vital. Sometimes I had imagined a harm where there wasn’t one. At one point, I had every man I’d declined a second date with on my list. It was absurd. It became clear that my emotions, particularly guilt, were not a good guide to whether I had caused harm. More often, I had overlooked harms that were real but subtle: unkindness, coldness, a lack of gratitude. I discovered that harm was not always obvious. It could be physical or financial injury, but it could also be emotional damage, broken trust, neglect or subtle criticism that strained a relationship. Talking it through with fellows helped me see both the overblown and the overlooked.
Working like this also stopped me from being vague (“I was mean”) and pushed me into truth (“I told them their taste in rugs was ghastly.”). I began to see the difference between actions that were legitimate but caused upset, and those that were genuinely wrong and called for amends.
I began making amends as I worked through the list. When names on my list filled me with dread, I prayed for the willingness to become willing. I learned not to minimize harms because of fear or resentment.
I also began to think about what the “sane and sound ideal” for each relationship could be. This helped me shift from only looking back to also looking forward, asking God for a vision of how I would act differently in the future.
Lastly, I have found it helpful to take and retake the Steps regularly. Clearing the wreckage of the past halts ego regrowth, lifts isolation, deepens humility and gives me the courage to face those I have harmed. These Steps allow me to look the world and myself in the face without shying away, and they give me the gift of real freedom and connection.
Philip V-B
I’m relatively new to A.A.—just one month shy of my third anniversary. I’ve read the first 164 pages of the Big Book at least three times now, and each time, I discover something new, something vital.
The first time I worked the Steps with my sponsor, I focused mostly on the first part of Step 8:
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed…”
I assumed that Step 9 would take care of the second part:
“…and became willing to make amends to them all.”
But I’ve come to learn that the real beauty of Step 8 lies in working it completely—not just making a list, but also becoming fully willing in your heart to make amends.
There’s a sense of peace that comes when you truly sit with this Step. Not just rushing to fix things or check boxes, but quietly, humbly, asking yourself:
Who have I harmed?
With my new attitude and way of living, what would I do differently now?
Would I still say, “F*** it,” and put myself first, regardless of the cost to others? Or am I finally ready to live differently?
The mindset I’ve come to embrace is this:
“If I could, I would.”
There are people on my list who may never give me the opportunity to make amends. Some are still hurt. Others may simply not care about my recovery. And some may not trust it yet.
But working Step 8 fully allowed me to find peace with those truths. Even if I never get to make a formal Ninth Step amends, I can still make peace with myself and with God.
I sit with it.
I pray on it.
I reflect deeply on what I did wrong and how I would handle it today.
One example is the mother of my child. I hurt her for years with terrible behavior. At the time I finally got sober, we weren’t even speaking. I wasn’t seeing my son. Our relationship was shattered.
I truly believed she would never talk to me again.
When I worked Step 8 around this, I had to accept that I might never be able to make amends. I had to be okay with that. I had to seek peace without expectation.
So I prayed for her. I reviewed everything I said and did to her through the lens of my new spiritual outlook.
I was appalled.
Ashamed.
It took time to let go of that shame.
But once I completed Step 8, something changed.
Not long after, I was given the opportunity to make a Step 9 amends to her. And because I had done the full work of Step 8, I had no expectations. I no longer felt entitled to her forgiveness.
I finally understood her.
It was liberating. It opened the door to a new chapter.
Today, I’m grateful to say that we’ve built a beautiful relationship as co-parents. She has forgiven me. We’ve found peace.
All of that began with a complete Step 8.
My new attitude—one of willingness, honesty and trying to finally do the right thing—helped me face my past without running from it or trying to control the outcome.
Step 8 taught me that true peace comes not from fixing everything, but from being truly willing to.
– Jim