There are over 40 English speaking meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous in The Netherlands every week. The members come from all walks of life. Sharing our published stories is a principal means that we offer the reader outside of A.A. the opportunity of identification. The story below is that of one of our members.
Carla’s Story:
Alcoholism runs in my family. My grandfather drank himself to death long before I was born. For that reason my mother has never picked up a drink in her life; she hates alcohol. I loved it though. I had my first drink at 13. It worked miracles for me. In my life, up to that point, wherever I was, I had always felt out of place; like I didn’t quite fit in (and everyone else did). I always felt different. But when I drank my first drink, I got this really warm feeling inside. I felt at home. I felt ‘part of’ instead of ‘apart from’. And I wanted more.
I went downhill rather fast. These days you hear a lot about teenagers drinking and having problems with alcohol. You didn’t hear those stories then. Not in my hometown anyway. However alcohol soon started to create problems. I was 14 and hanging out in over 18 bars. I drank with guys that were a lot older then I was (I lied about my age). I got date raped. I started skipping school so that I could hang out in bars in the afternoon instead, and I started running away from home. My parents never really knew about my drinking and hanging out in bars, but my running away from home and school was a problem for them of course, and they tried hard to fix that. I was able to keep the drinking secret.
I had my first black outs at 15. At first I thought they were fun. I thought that they proved that I was a ‘real drinker’. Later I came to hate them, dreading my girlfriends’ stories about what I’d done the previous night, things I had no memory of saying or doing. I usually made a fool of myself.
At 18 I moved to Amsterdam. I lived by myself. There and then, I really spun out of control. I sat in bars almost every night. In the beginning I used to go out with girlfriends, but soon they got fed up with me and my selfishness. They used to tell me I was quite likeable when I had not had a drink but that I changed when I drank; I often embarrassed them in public. They didn’t want to be seen with me when I was that way. They would make me promise not to drink more than 2 drinks when we went out. I always made that promise but I could never keep it. Sometimes I intended to keep it, but once I had 2 drinks down, I wanted more. I wanted the drink more than their company.
After some time, I started having periods of isolation. After humiliating public appearances (like blacking out and falling off barstools, people having to carry me home) I started feeling ashamed and afraid of people. I didn’t want anybody to see me drunk, but I couldn’t stay sober. So I drank at home until I would get so lonely that I started to look for company in bars again.
The last years of my drinking, I was pretty crazy. I had terrible DT’s with 
auditory and visual hallucinations. I was also completely paranoid. I spent many days and nights by myself, in my home, with the curtains drawn and the telephone unplugged. I thought if the phone was plugged in, ‘they’ had access to my house and hear and see everything I did – that’s how paranoid I was. I did suspect, however, that all this had to do with my drinking. That was the tiny little sparkle of sanity that I had left. I was afraid that one day, that would be gone as well, and then I would be completely insane.
At that time I knew lady who was a member of AA; she was a girlfriend’s mother. One day I met her on the street. She told me about AA and I felt more or less obligated to go to an AA meeting with her. I stayed around AA for about a month. I went to one or two meetings a week but I never stopped drinking. I did cut down on my drinking a lot however.  What I liked about AA was that, for the first time in my life, I met people that drank the way I did. I could identify with them. Up to that point I had always been comparing myself with my girlfriends who could take alcohol or leave it alone, just as it pleased them. I never had that power. I felt ashamed that I wasn’t able to do that which seemed to be so easy for them. And there I was, in an AA meeting, hearing other people talk about their drinking. It was so similar to my drinking; they too, couldn’t stop once they’d started.
I didn’t stay in AA however. I thought I’d prefer to solve this problem by myself. I took some of the literature with me, and decided that I would start on this AA program on my own. I would not go to AA meetings. Soon my drinking was quite bad again; every day I promised myself that I would not drink, and every day I broke that promise.
Then, one day, I had a moment of clarity. It was on the 2nd of July 1989. It was a beautiful summer’s day. I was in bed that morning, and got out to walk to the fridge. I had some alcohol there. All of a sudden it hit me; what a pathetic life I was living. Every ‘normal’ person would spend this beautiful summer’s day on the beach with friends. I was going to spend this day by myself, drinking, with the curtains closed. I couldn’t stand the sunlight. I broke down, started crying and called the woman who had taken me to my first AA meeting. I asked her if I could come back to AA. She said that of course I could. She was very kind and had me come to stay at her house for a few days. I went to an AA meeting that evening. I started working the 12 steps of the AA program. I haven’t had a drink since.
All I wanted, on that summer’s day, was for the pain of my drinking, and of the way that I lived, to be taken away from me. I hoped that AA could help me with that, could help me stop drinking. Now I realize, that that was just the beginning. AA has helped me to stay away from taking the first drink for 19 years, but has given me so much more than that. It has given me a way of life that really works. By working the AA program, I have learned how to live with other people. I have lost many of my fears. I have been fortunate enough to marry a wonderful man and start a family. My children have never seen me drunk. Thanks to AA I can be a good mother to them. I live a very normal life today. I don’t need alcohol anymore to give me the feeling of ‘fitting in’. I feel content en happy most of the time. Today, most of the time, no matter where I am or who I’m with, I feel like I belong.
Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.A. membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
If you seem to be having trouble with your drinking, or if your drinking has reached the point where it worries you a bit, you may be interested to know something about Alcoholics Anonymous and the A.A. program of recovery from alcoholism. We welcome your inquiries.
Reprinted with permission from The Netherlands PI Committee
Editor’s note: this article has been published in accordance with our ArenA Editorial Policy.